Episode 2: Being slutty doesn't pay

If there's anything we've learned on this episode of The Challenge it's this -- if you're a skank, you're not going to win.

The Challenge is kind of like an 80s horror movie in that way.

I know what you're saying, "But wait, almost everyone on this show is either a tramp or a manwhore." That's true . . . if you're comparing them to the rest of civilized society. But if you're so skanky that even the other contestants on The Challenge think you're too skanky, well, your fate is pretty much sealed.

Remember this lesson females of all ages: being a skank may get you laid but all women will hate you and the men will stop giving a shit about you the moment after they've hooked up with you. It's a fact.

This is a lesson for not only The Challenge but for life in general.

The two prime examples of skankiness from this season are Shauvon and Paula and and both of them are pretty much finished by the end of this episode.

Let's take them one at a time.

Shauvon's beatdown

Has anyone in history ever been bitch slapped off the show as much as Shauvon was in this episode?

It was clear from the beginning that she was probably going to lose the first duel she participated in, but jeez Aneesa didn't even seem particularly interested in winning the contest as much beating her ass.

In the first elimination battle, the hooks the contestants needed to get fell off seemingly within 10 seconds and were just like on the ground. Yet Aneesa ignored them and continued to pound on Shauvon. And why? Aneesa had no real reason to hate Shauvon, she could have just beaten her and moved on. Instead she dragged her around the ring like she was Ivan Drago beating up on Apollo Creed.

Then when Shauvon loses, she doesn't even get a hug from the other contestants. EVERYONE gets a hug on this show. You could murder a puppy and when you leave the show, some of the other contestants would hug you, cry and tell you how awesome you are. But everyone hated Shauvon with the fire of a thousand burning suns.

And why? Because she banged another dude on the show.

The most ironic part of this whole exchange came right at the end when Paula declared, "Shauvon, don't bang other people's ex-boyfriends then you won't piss other people off." (I'll explain why this is ironic in a minute).

Side bar #1: On Shauvon -- Admittedly MJ isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, but when another contestant knows you only as the "boob girl" you know you're not here for the long-haul.

Side bar #2: This duel made me miss CT. Can you imagine if he had to do that challenge -- there's a decent chance he would have used the hooks to stab his opponent through the heart. Now we'll never know. Sigh.

Side bar #3: In the post about last week's episode, I said no one has ever had less interest in breaking up a fight than Isaac during the CT-Adam debacle. I'd like to correct that because TJ Lavin set a new standard this week for most half-assed attempt to end a fight. During the elimination fight at the start of the show, as Aneesa is wailing on Shauvon, TJ half-heartedly declares, "No punching." Then he kind of sticks his arm between the two contestants for about 0.1 seconds before quickly pulling out and retreating as the pair continued pounding on each other. Look MTV, everyone involved wants to see the contestants fight, just let them fight. You don't need to pretend like you're trying to break them up for our sake, you really don't.

Paula chooses ass over winning

The reason that Paula statement about hooking up with other people's boyfriends is ironic is not so because she's banged anyone else's ex-boyfriend -- so far. But because her top priority on this show is clearly just getting laid, rather than, oh I don't know, winning. Paula never seemed like the strongest contestant and she's probably not getting to the end regardless. But it seems in this episode she picked the opportunity of potentially hooking up with Dunbar over the possibility of winning $100,000. Hope he's worth it.

I will say this -- whatever scheme it was that Paula and Evan tried to craft didn't make much sense. No matter what the picking order is someone would have ended up last -- I'm not sure they realized this. It seems they spent hours trying to craft a plan that would save EVERYBODY.

How about this? Just figure out the person that you want to send in and then make sure no one picks him/her. Wouldn't that be much easier?

But regardless of the stupidity of the overall plan, Paula still sabotaged the thing (can you sabotage something that's already broken?) because she had a crush on Dunbar. Paula weighs about 60 pounds so she's not going to fare well in many duels and she now has almost no friends to watch her back. I'll be shocked if she's still on the show three episodes from now.

Ryan whining, Robin's losing

* The only person on this week's show that was a bigger moron than Paula is Ryan. He spent the whole second half whining about where he's going to get picked, then getting pissed off than Paula 'screwed' him and then complaining about MJ picking him. Someone should have just told him, "Look dude, you're the smallest guy here. You're going into the elimination regardless of who picks who and when. So just shut up."

Is there any scenario in which Ryan isn't in the elimination? This show is basically him and a bunch of dudes who closely resemble NFL linebackers -- of course he's getting picked! A big guy -- like MJ -- is going to pick you because they know they can crush you and a smaller guy is going to pick you because you're the only person they have a chance of beating. Actually any other contestant would be retarded if they didn't pick you.

Stop whining about it and accept your fate. You didn't get screwed by the other people in the house, you got screwed by genetics and your apparent unwillingness to inject certain things into your body. Sorry.

* We learn on this episode that Robin has been on The Challenge SEVEN times and has never won. She's like the Buffalo Bills of The Challenge. Or maybe more like the Detroit Lions cause she never actually gets all that close to winning.

* Ryan and Robin will probably be back on The Challenge at some point, but they need to realized that they just have no chance of winning this thing. Robin is clearly past her prime -- if she ever had one -- and everyone that's on this thing now, just plain hates her. And Ryan weighs about half as much as the rest of the male contestants. It's just not possible for him to ever with this thing. Time to move on.