Episode 4: Nehemiah is a douche

*Editors Note (04/30): One of my three loyal readers recently told me, "I don't like reading stuff in paragraphs. Just do one-liners." Now, my friend may be a little bit retarted -- I'm not sure how he ever graduated from high school -- but either way I don't want to piss off a near-majority of my readership. Therefore, today we are doing a little "quick hits" edition of last night's Challenge episode. Let's get it started.

• I have a general rule about The Challenge: Anyone who goes on this show and then spends the whole time complaining about how stupid it is or how they're a much better, mature person than everyone else on the show is a giant fucktard. Yeah, I'm talking about you Nehemiah.
  
  

• And if you go on The Challenge, talk the whole time about how its beneath and also act as if you're going through some kind of zen-like experience, then you're an extremely douchey fucktard. Look, if you want to go write poetry and think about your oneness with nature or whatever -- fine. Move to Tibet and knock yourself out. But you can't act all deep and spiritual after you've spent all day riding in a go-cart with a giant bobblehead attached to your head. You just sound like an idiot.
  
  

• Nehemiah kept saying all show how him going into the duel was "fate and destiny." Well, fate and destiny just told you that they hate you. Feel free to go kill yourself.
  
  

• Oh and let's not forget about Tori, who at one point said of the other contestants, "They are afraid to go home because they have nothing better to do with their lives." Maybe this is true but I can't help but point out that Tori is not only making her 3rd appearance on an MTV show but is also engaged to someone who is on his FIFTH Challenge.
  

The Challenge portion:

• TJ Lavin declares that the participants will be doing the challenge with a "life size" bobblehead. What the hell does that mean? What kind of messed up world does TJ Lavin live in where "life size" means people with heads 12 times larger than those of your average human being?
  
  

• Why did the bobbleheads have the name's of the contestants written on the back? Do the contestants not know what their faces look like?
  
  

• The botched tag between Dunbar and Paula during the challenge was just symbolic of their whole "relationship." Paula is standing their ogling Dunbar, while he just blindly barrels into her and knocks her over. And keep in mind, this isn't the Olympic track relay where you have to time the baton hand-off precisely. All they had to do is kind of tag each other in any way at all and they still couldn't do it correctly. There is no hope for these two.
  
  

• Dear MTV producers, can you show us a timer on the puzzles? I would really like to know just how long it takes. It's highly possible that these things take about 4 hours, that there are lunch breaks involved and multiple trips to the bathroom. Honestly, I'd even believe that the puzzle challenge spanned several days. We need to know these things.

Lesbos and more:

• So Jenn injures her left shoulder. When she comes from the doctor she says may have to compete without using the left side of her body. What kind of challenges does she think she's going to have from now where she doesn't need to use half her body? One-handed boxing over and over and over?
  
  

• Jenn and Rachel somehow go from hating each other to, umm, wrestling. Now, I've had more than a few female friends in my life (shocking, I know) but I have NEVER EVER seen two of them wrestle. Is this what women do when guys aren't around? We always thought it was that they had naked pillow fights but maybe it's wrestling. If they don't wrestle, maybe they should. Because as Rachel points out, wrestling brought them closer together, which lead to them making out. Women wrestling = more lesbianism = a better world.
  
  

• What the hell is going on with Jenn? She says she's not a lesbian, yet she makes out with every girl in sight. Now, as male, I like to think that all women have a little bit of lesbianism in them -- especially the hot ones -- but come on Jenn, make up your mind.
  
  

• On the other hand, Rachel must have some kind of superpower that compels other chicks to make out with her. I mean Rachel is relatively attractive but it's getting to be rediculous -- every time a women is within 5 feet of her, they start kissing. Screw flying or invisibility, the answer to what's the best superpower is the ability to compel women to make out with you.
  
  

• I love how at the end of whatever it is that happened between Jenn and Rachel, Jenn declares, "We've rekindled our friendship." I hate to beat a dead horse, but ladies if you could all "rekindle your friendships" -- or just "strengthen" them -- in such manner, it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
  
  

• For someone who seems to (try to) hookup a lot, Paula sure seemed awfully confused by the sex sounds that Jenn and Rachel were making. What the hell kind of sounds is Paula making when she's having sex? Actually, I don't think I want to know that.
  
  

• Finally and totally unrelatedly, there's no one on this show who delivers more laughs on a per-minute basis than Isaac. The guy did all the commentary on this week's episode with a painted on, bright blue Mike Tyson tattoo on his face. We MUST have an explanation for this. Where did he get it? Did he tattoo himself or is someone in the house that's a tattooing expert? Where did he even get the bright blue paint? Is it just sitting around The Challenge house for some inexplicable reason? Or is this just some sticker that he brought with him to the show for reasons that defy understanding?