Episode 5: Let's pretend it didn't happen

Apologies to my fan(s) but I've ben extremely busy the last few days and haven't had a chance to share my thoughts on last week's show. And now we're almost to this week's show, so it seems a little silly to do it now. Besides, nothing all that interesting happened, so no big loss. I promise to have a glorious return with this next episode.

Ok, ok, I'll say one thing: Isaac is awesome and I pray to God that he does in fact follow through on his words to bulk up and return to the Challenge next year and kick ass.

Episode 4: Nehemiah is a douche

*Editors Note (04/30): One of my three loyal readers recently told me, "I don't like reading stuff in paragraphs. Just do one-liners." Now, my friend may be a little bit retarted -- I'm not sure how he ever graduated from high school -- but either way I don't want to piss off a near-majority of my readership. Therefore, today we are doing a little "quick hits" edition of last night's Challenge episode. Let's get it started.

• I have a general rule about The Challenge: Anyone who goes on this show and then spends the whole time complaining about how stupid it is or how they're a much better, mature person than everyone else on the show is a giant fucktard. Yeah, I'm talking about you Nehemiah.
  
  

• And if you go on The Challenge, talk the whole time about how its beneath and also act as if you're going through some kind of zen-like experience, then you're an extremely douchey fucktard. Look, if you want to go write poetry and think about your oneness with nature or whatever -- fine. Move to Tibet and knock yourself out. But you can't act all deep and spiritual after you've spent all day riding in a go-cart with a giant bobblehead attached to your head. You just sound like an idiot.
  
  

• Nehemiah kept saying all show how him going into the duel was "fate and destiny." Well, fate and destiny just told you that they hate you. Feel free to go kill yourself.
  
  

• Oh and let's not forget about Tori, who at one point said of the other contestants, "They are afraid to go home because they have nothing better to do with their lives." Maybe this is true but I can't help but point out that Tori is not only making her 3rd appearance on an MTV show but is also engaged to someone who is on his FIFTH Challenge.
  

The Challenge portion:

• TJ Lavin declares that the participants will be doing the challenge with a "life size" bobblehead. What the hell does that mean? What kind of messed up world does TJ Lavin live in where "life size" means people with heads 12 times larger than those of your average human being?
  
  

• Why did the bobbleheads have the name's of the contestants written on the back? Do the contestants not know what their faces look like?
  
  

• The botched tag between Dunbar and Paula during the challenge was just symbolic of their whole "relationship." Paula is standing their ogling Dunbar, while he just blindly barrels into her and knocks her over. And keep in mind, this isn't the Olympic track relay where you have to time the baton hand-off precisely. All they had to do is kind of tag each other in any way at all and they still couldn't do it correctly. There is no hope for these two.
  
  

• Dear MTV producers, can you show us a timer on the puzzles? I would really like to know just how long it takes. It's highly possible that these things take about 4 hours, that there are lunch breaks involved and multiple trips to the bathroom. Honestly, I'd even believe that the puzzle challenge spanned several days. We need to know these things.

Lesbos and more:

• So Jenn injures her left shoulder. When she comes from the doctor she says may have to compete without using the left side of her body. What kind of challenges does she think she's going to have from now where she doesn't need to use half her body? One-handed boxing over and over and over?
  
  

• Jenn and Rachel somehow go from hating each other to, umm, wrestling. Now, I've had more than a few female friends in my life (shocking, I know) but I have NEVER EVER seen two of them wrestle. Is this what women do when guys aren't around? We always thought it was that they had naked pillow fights but maybe it's wrestling. If they don't wrestle, maybe they should. Because as Rachel points out, wrestling brought them closer together, which lead to them making out. Women wrestling = more lesbianism = a better world.
  
  

• What the hell is going on with Jenn? She says she's not a lesbian, yet she makes out with every girl in sight. Now, as male, I like to think that all women have a little bit of lesbianism in them -- especially the hot ones -- but come on Jenn, make up your mind.
  
  

• On the other hand, Rachel must have some kind of superpower that compels other chicks to make out with her. I mean Rachel is relatively attractive but it's getting to be rediculous -- every time a women is within 5 feet of her, they start kissing. Screw flying or invisibility, the answer to what's the best superpower is the ability to compel women to make out with you.
  
  

• I love how at the end of whatever it is that happened between Jenn and Rachel, Jenn declares, "We've rekindled our friendship." I hate to beat a dead horse, but ladies if you could all "rekindle your friendships" -- or just "strengthen" them -- in such manner, it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
  
  

• For someone who seems to (try to) hookup a lot, Paula sure seemed awfully confused by the sex sounds that Jenn and Rachel were making. What the hell kind of sounds is Paula making when she's having sex? Actually, I don't think I want to know that.
  
  

• Finally and totally unrelatedly, there's no one on this show who delivers more laughs on a per-minute basis than Isaac. The guy did all the commentary on this week's episode with a painted on, bright blue Mike Tyson tattoo on his face. We MUST have an explanation for this. Where did he get it? Did he tattoo himself or is someone in the house that's a tattooing expert? Where did he even get the bright blue paint? Is it just sitting around The Challenge house for some inexplicable reason? Or is this just some sticker that he brought with him to the show for reasons that defy understanding?

Episode 1: CT's Rampage

I've loved this show for a long time but this is really the episode that inspired this blog because quite simply the first episode of "The Duel II" was one of the greatest things that we have ever seen on television.

There were so many things that were amazing about it that to cover them all in detail would require a lengthy news magazine-style analysis. I'm just going to hit on the high points.

Opening montage/show credits:

* I knew this show was going to be awesome during the first 30 seconds when they showed that ridiculous opening montage. The sounds that went with it were roughly in the style of the kind of montage they do for World War II movies. Except the sounds of gunfire and people dying were replaced with loud drunken yelling and pensive stares. When CT's bloody face came on the screen, well, you could just tell we were in for something special.

* As for the show's opening credits, I'll have a full analysis tomorrow but for now let's just say that the opening of the Duel II is the greatest show opening in the history of television. Nothing else comes close.

The Contestants:

There will be plenty of time to explore the psyche of each contestant but for now we just have to wonder -- are the dudes on this show basically spending their whole year training for this thing? Evan is right when he says in the beginning that it looks like every guy has added 40 pounds of muscle. There are, of course, other explanations for their significant gain in muscle mass (not to mention wild mood swings) but I'll steer clear of the obvious joke that everybody has already made.

The Fight:

This was the obviously high-point of the show and there's just so much to say. I've watched this thing over and over like its the new Zapruder film; every time I find something new and awesome about it.

* First, who could have guessed that it would take CT all of about three hours to become totally unhinged? We learn later on that the guy was apparently going through some tough personal times, but really was anyone's reaction to the fight anything other than, "I KNEW this was coming." CT gets into a fight pretty much every time he's on the show. That's why it was so ridiculous that the great TJ Lavin later declared, "We here at The Challenge don't condone fighting."

Oh really? Is that why you (a) brought CT on in the first place (b) had two replacement contestants ready to go when an inevitable fight broke out. Cut the crap, TJ.

I can't blame MTV for continuing to bring CT on the show, he is by far the most entertaining person on this thing and just makes every episode better. I'm even a little sad that he won't be around for the rest of the season.

So how about this: From now on bring him on, but have a production member that's equipped with a powerful tranquilizer gun and give him instructions to put down CT every time it looks like he's about to take a swing at somebody. This way we'll still have the benefit of being entertained by CT's overall insanity and the producers won't have to kick him off when he inevitably explodes. Problem solved.

* Next. While its obvious that CT has some emotional issues to work through, the guy that is really the "villain" in this whole thing is Adam. He's like The Challenge's version of the NBA's Nate Robinson -- the little guy who has a huge chip on his shoulder, so he tries to compensate by picking fights with everyone. And just like Robinson, people still continue to embrace him. I just don't get it.

Thanks to MTV's excellent work on the aftershow with a play-by-play analysis that's reminiscent of an ESPN post-game show, we clearly see that Adam is the instigator here (watch the uncut footage below). It's obvious that CT was willing to rip Adam's head off at the drop of a dime, but we also see that initially he's just posing and has little interest in fighting. Adam, however, proceeds to take small jabs at CT and talk trash. He even takes the first swing, after which CT finally swings back.

First of all, even someone like Adam should know that he has no business taking on CT. I'm fairly certain that CT could win a fight against a grizzly bear; Adam doesn't stand a chance. But of course he's willing to stand toe-to-toe with him, knowing that as soon as anything happens it will be immediately broken up.

Then, while it takes a whole team to restrain CT, Adam's is dragged outside by one dude who doesn't even seem to be trying that hard. And as soon as Adam is outside he tries to act like he wants to get back in there even as his one-piece pajamas are wrapped around his ankles -- no one has ever looked less intimidating in a fight. Of course, as soon as CT gets outside, Adam starts running as if he's being chased by a bull down the streets of Pamplona.

Adam's action during this fight is just the clearest demonstration of the attitude that one sees in a college bar every night of the week -- "I'm going to act tough and pick fights with everyone in sight, but only because I know that I'll never actually have to fight anybody cause people will break it up."

* One final thing. Watch the fight again and keep your eye on Isaac. No one has EVER been less interested in breaking up a fight. He's in every shot but he just kind of stands there without doing or saying anything. There's two possibilities: He was smart enough to realize that it's insane to try to stand between CT and his target OR he's so out of it that he has no idea where he is or what's going on.

Diem's "crazy girlfriend" reaction

Diem always seemed to be one of the more stable people on this show. And we have to give her major props for not only overcoming cancer but also reportedly doing something worthwhile with her life outside of The Challenge. It's for that reason that CT's and Diem's relationship never quite made sense.

But after watching last night's show it finally clicked -- she's may be just as crazy as he is. Not in the same way obviously, but in that, "I'm a crazy obsessive (ex-)girlfriend that's just a little out of touch with reality and have convinced myself that my (ex-)boyfriend is totally different from the person that he actually is."

In the midst, of the CT-Adam fight, Diem, while in tears, delivers the following gem -- "All I wanted to do is see him, because I know if he sees me he won't do anything and he'll calm down."

Oh really? Because as I recall that hasn't worked in the past. Actually, all such previous encounters have resulted with CT getting even more mad and Diem storming off in tears. The more likely scenario is that CT would have run over you like you were a bowling pin. But keep the hope alive.

A few second later Diem says, "It's my fault that Adam is hurt."

You know what? You're kind of right here because you flipped out and went on an inquisition to find out who hooked up with a guy that YOU'RE NOT DATING ANYMORE! And the thing is, based on what we can gather, it's Diem that ended the relationship. There's a whole series of other statements that Diem makes over the next few minutes, all of which demonstrate a detachment from reality including this one -- "I wonder in his head if he really thinks he didn't do it."

Whatever CT's flaws may be, he seems to be very aware of his actions, but you keep telling yourself that he's two different people and sharing your hurt feelings with the world over a guy that YOU ARE NOT DATING.

What's amazing is that during this whole crazy incident, it's CT who makes the most salient point: "I'm not with her, I could f*ck the whole freshmen line if I wanted to. Why is she crying?"

Well said.

The Rest of the Show:

Oh, who are we kidding there was nothing really that interesting in the rest of the thing when compared to the first 20 minutes or so. I actually have a gripe with the producers: the fight was spectacular and you could clearly tell it went on far longer than what was actually shown to the viewing public; we can see that besides tearing apart Adam's face, CT also tore up the house.

Why not just show the whole fight for an hour? You could have called at an "introductory episode" and start the actual challenges on the next show. After watching such an entertaining battle, no one is going to care about a stupid rugby game.

There's plenty more that can be said about the format of the eliminations, the challenges and the trainwreck that is is the aftershow but it can wait for another time. For now, let's just focus on CT -- it's his world, we're just living it.