Episode 3: A match made in retard hell

A lot, a lot to say about this week's episode (have I mentioned that I LOVE this show). Ok, let's get started:

First, has there ever been a more dysfunctional and mismatched partnership than Evan and Paula. They're like Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez: each one has a boatload of their own issues but when you combine the two -- like in Gigli and, umm, marriage -- it's just a train wreck from start to finish.

Evan seems like an overall decent guy but you can also just tell that his whole life revolves around The Challenge. Somehow I picture him spending the rest of the year doing sit-ups in a dark, dank basement with a picture hanging over his head of TJ Lavin with a giant check. And he's already demonstrated that he has no hesitation about selling out his "friends" to win this thing.

Meanwhile, Paula not only doesn't seem to care about winning, but she actually doesn't particularly believe that she can win. On top and that, she has a tendency to not only be easily manipulated by anything with a penis but she's also your typical overly-emotional girl times a thousand.

It's literally impossible to think of two people who should NOT be paired more than these two. Shocker that it took a whole three episodes for this thing to unravel.

At one point Paula says, "I've know Evan for years, he's a shady, shady bastard. But I assume when the time comes he'll have my back." WHY? You just said he's shady, why would you trust him? Paula is either one of those people that truly believes in the goodness of a man's souls or she's just gullible as hell. I think we all know which one it really is.

Meanwhile, Evan at one point describes Paula as "overall crazy." I don't know about Evan, but when I'm looking for people to count on, I usually try to eliminate people with a high level of "overall craziness." They tend to be a bit unpredictable.

In the end, I have to say Evan made the right choice. Paula screwed him over in Episode 2 by picking Dunbar. As a result, Evan was forced to pick either sticking by Paula and her insanity while alienating himself from the actual good players in the house and killing his chance of winning OR cutting Paula loose and actually keeping his chance of winning. It's really not a hard decision.

Side bar: It was awesome that Evan described why Paula was such a good friend by saying, "She showed her boobs to my younger brother." That's clearly a sign of a strong frienship -- a willingness to show your private parts to your family members.

But the dumbest thing about the death of the Evan-Paula alliance is that it ended over ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I've already explained why the list or whatever it is that they try to craft on every show to save themselves from the duel makes no actual sense. You only want to make sure you're not the last one left, other than that it doesn't matter at all where you get picked. So they should just get together, pick the person that they want to screw over and stop spending countless hours figuring out where you are on the list.

It. Does. Not. Matter.

Look at what happened on the show, Brittini was literally the first person picked and she still had to go into the duel. Evan was among the first 10 people to get picked and he still went into the duel too.

Speaking of which, ok I understand Evan had to send a message by not picking Paula. But if you're intentionally going to burn that bridge, wouldn't you at least try to make sure that the person you're trying to screw over is in fact going to get booted off the show? Evan went through all this soul-searching about whether or not to pick Paula, ultimately doesn't pick her and she still gets picked by someone else. Congrats Evan, you've accomplished nothing. This was like breaking up with your girlfriend and then going on a ski trip with her two days later -- she can now both continue to talk shit about you to everyone in sight and prevent you from "hooking up" with anyone else.

Well thought out plan.

Davis proves once and for all that he sucks

Yesterday, I made fun of Davis for blaming an anti-gay conspiracy instead of his shrimp-like stature for his failings on the show. Let me tell you, it feels good to be proven right.

Not only does Davis prove himself to be weaker than the other contestants but he also demonstrates that he is a complete and total idiot.

First on the main challenge, Davis seems to fall of the ropes pretty quickly, barely holds on for a few more moments and then plummets into the water. He then has the nerve to say, "I think it was pretty close." Not it wasn't. MJ could have had a picnic up there while you were hanging on for dear life.

Then the Duel itself. First, Davis is an idiot for picking Evan. I realize that Davis didn't want to pick his friend Nehemiah -- even though Nehemiah did stab him in the back -- so it was inevitable that he was going to go up against someone bigger. Evan, however, is not only a good athlete but he's also one of the more intelligent males on the show (by The Challenge standards).

Davis actually lucks out by getting a puzzle challenge, which gives him a slight chance of winning. Davis, however, goes on to prove what I said yesterday -- that there is no correlation between size and intelligence. He spends the whole first part of the duel putting in the puzzle pieces for the bottom levels, not realizing that he actually needs those steps to be able to climb the wall. What did you think you were going to do?? Float to the top of the wall? Eventually, it dawns on him that he wasted his time and he only figures out that he can take out the pieces after he is told by the other contestants. This was truly a dumb moment even by The Challenge standards.

Congrats Davis for demonstrating that you're not only too small to compete on The Challenge but also not intelligent enough. Talk about not clearing a low bar.

Odds and Ends

* During the initial challenge, a couple of the female contestants commented on Ruthie's athletic prowess by saying, "I feel like she's casting voodoo spell on me" and "Ruthie is like a freakin' monkey, koala bear, ninja girl."

Now, while Ruthie's athleticism was indeed impressive, I think the other women were mostly confused because Ruthie was ACTUALLY TRYING. Kimberly's strategy appeared to be just to stand still and hold on to the ropes. Really!? That's your plan? You have about as much muscle on you as a starving African child and you think you're going to be able to hold on indefinitely?

It kind of annoys me actually that most of the women on the show don't really seem to try at all and attempt to get by on the hope that there's other women on in the house who are even more hated by other contestants. If there's any justice in the world, Ruthie and Rachel will be last two females standing since they're pretty much the only ones capable of doing anything.

Side bar: In all seriousness, has anyone ever had a more impressive recovery from alcoholism than Ruthie? When she was on the Real World, she seemed to be perpetually on the verge of death from alcohol poisoning. Now, she's one of the better female athletes in Challenge history. AA really does work!

* Nehemiah is f*cked. Toward the end of the selection process Nehemiah says that the two people "watching his back" on this show are Brooke and Paula. That's a sign of trouble. There's no two people on this show that are less capable of looking out for you. I would really rather have Judas and Benedict Arnold watching my back than this pair. And Nehemiah essentially saves Paula while sacrificing two of his friends -- Brooke and Davis. I say again, he helped take out two of his allies to save . . . Paula. Yeah, I don't know what he was thinking either.

* No, I haven't forgotten about Brooke. She will truly be missed. This entry is getting a little long so I'm going to stop right here but we'll have a very special Brooke tribute tomorrow. Stay tuned ...

The Greatest Show Opening Ever!

I said it yesterday, I'm saying it again today: The opening credits of the new Challenge are quite simply the best opening credits in the history of television. It is the standard by which all future unintentional comedy will be measured.

You can watch the "making" the opening credits video below. It's well worth it. If you want to see just the opening credits again -- and why wouldn't you -- just skip ahead to the 3:52 mark.

MTV Shows

There's just so much to love here, starting with the facial expressions of the contestants themselves.

There are a few -- mostly notably Evan -- who appear to be taking this VERY seriously. You can just see that he's using this as some kind of pseudo try-out for the role of "Barbarian Warrior #3" in a future Ridley Scott movie.

Then there are others -- Brooke, Katie, Brittini -- who looks completely hungover and can barely stand up straight. I bet there was a whole lot of vomiting going on during this shoot.

And then there are those who appear as if they're just standing there staring into space -- Brad and Landon -- and only tuned in for that split second that the camera was focused on them before returning to their space staring activities.

The best performance, however, is delivered as always by TJ Lavin. He looks just like Zoolander in trying out his "look" except it actually seems like he's genuinely making an effort. Go watch the actual behind the scenes footage -- the best part is at the 2:40 mark when the producers tells TJ to "just focus" and he proceeds to make a face as if he's trying to lift a large boulder with the power of his mind. There's no amount of money that I wouldn't pay to find out what's going on TJ's head at that moment.

I've watched this video a number of times and I can't decide if the whole thing was done in 1 take and about 15 minutes, with the director declaring, "Screw it. Good enough. Let's go home." Or if it took about 1,200 takes and nine days shoot with the director getting increasingly more pissed off at the constant mistakes. It had to be one of those two scenarios.

Finally, this is what kills me about MTV -- they spent money on a freakin' helicopter to shoot this thing and yet they couldn't coordinate so that everyone in the cast actually wore matching outfits. This whole thing stems from an actual New Zeland tradition -- mostly known to the outside world because its done by a rugby team.

When they do it, it actually looks pretty cool; in no small part because they are in unison, all dressed the same and actually look like a team of warrior, rather than a bunch of people who are doing this with about as much coordination as a pack of drunk monkeys.

Episode 1: CT's Rampage

I've loved this show for a long time but this is really the episode that inspired this blog because quite simply the first episode of "The Duel II" was one of the greatest things that we have ever seen on television.

There were so many things that were amazing about it that to cover them all in detail would require a lengthy news magazine-style analysis. I'm just going to hit on the high points.

Opening montage/show credits:

* I knew this show was going to be awesome during the first 30 seconds when they showed that ridiculous opening montage. The sounds that went with it were roughly in the style of the kind of montage they do for World War II movies. Except the sounds of gunfire and people dying were replaced with loud drunken yelling and pensive stares. When CT's bloody face came on the screen, well, you could just tell we were in for something special.

* As for the show's opening credits, I'll have a full analysis tomorrow but for now let's just say that the opening of the Duel II is the greatest show opening in the history of television. Nothing else comes close.

The Contestants:

There will be plenty of time to explore the psyche of each contestant but for now we just have to wonder -- are the dudes on this show basically spending their whole year training for this thing? Evan is right when he says in the beginning that it looks like every guy has added 40 pounds of muscle. There are, of course, other explanations for their significant gain in muscle mass (not to mention wild mood swings) but I'll steer clear of the obvious joke that everybody has already made.

The Fight:

This was the obviously high-point of the show and there's just so much to say. I've watched this thing over and over like its the new Zapruder film; every time I find something new and awesome about it.

* First, who could have guessed that it would take CT all of about three hours to become totally unhinged? We learn later on that the guy was apparently going through some tough personal times, but really was anyone's reaction to the fight anything other than, "I KNEW this was coming." CT gets into a fight pretty much every time he's on the show. That's why it was so ridiculous that the great TJ Lavin later declared, "We here at The Challenge don't condone fighting."

Oh really? Is that why you (a) brought CT on in the first place (b) had two replacement contestants ready to go when an inevitable fight broke out. Cut the crap, TJ.

I can't blame MTV for continuing to bring CT on the show, he is by far the most entertaining person on this thing and just makes every episode better. I'm even a little sad that he won't be around for the rest of the season.

So how about this: From now on bring him on, but have a production member that's equipped with a powerful tranquilizer gun and give him instructions to put down CT every time it looks like he's about to take a swing at somebody. This way we'll still have the benefit of being entertained by CT's overall insanity and the producers won't have to kick him off when he inevitably explodes. Problem solved.

* Next. While its obvious that CT has some emotional issues to work through, the guy that is really the "villain" in this whole thing is Adam. He's like The Challenge's version of the NBA's Nate Robinson -- the little guy who has a huge chip on his shoulder, so he tries to compensate by picking fights with everyone. And just like Robinson, people still continue to embrace him. I just don't get it.

Thanks to MTV's excellent work on the aftershow with a play-by-play analysis that's reminiscent of an ESPN post-game show, we clearly see that Adam is the instigator here (watch the uncut footage below). It's obvious that CT was willing to rip Adam's head off at the drop of a dime, but we also see that initially he's just posing and has little interest in fighting. Adam, however, proceeds to take small jabs at CT and talk trash. He even takes the first swing, after which CT finally swings back.

First of all, even someone like Adam should know that he has no business taking on CT. I'm fairly certain that CT could win a fight against a grizzly bear; Adam doesn't stand a chance. But of course he's willing to stand toe-to-toe with him, knowing that as soon as anything happens it will be immediately broken up.

Then, while it takes a whole team to restrain CT, Adam's is dragged outside by one dude who doesn't even seem to be trying that hard. And as soon as Adam is outside he tries to act like he wants to get back in there even as his one-piece pajamas are wrapped around his ankles -- no one has ever looked less intimidating in a fight. Of course, as soon as CT gets outside, Adam starts running as if he's being chased by a bull down the streets of Pamplona.

Adam's action during this fight is just the clearest demonstration of the attitude that one sees in a college bar every night of the week -- "I'm going to act tough and pick fights with everyone in sight, but only because I know that I'll never actually have to fight anybody cause people will break it up."

* One final thing. Watch the fight again and keep your eye on Isaac. No one has EVER been less interested in breaking up a fight. He's in every shot but he just kind of stands there without doing or saying anything. There's two possibilities: He was smart enough to realize that it's insane to try to stand between CT and his target OR he's so out of it that he has no idea where he is or what's going on.

Diem's "crazy girlfriend" reaction

Diem always seemed to be one of the more stable people on this show. And we have to give her major props for not only overcoming cancer but also reportedly doing something worthwhile with her life outside of The Challenge. It's for that reason that CT's and Diem's relationship never quite made sense.

But after watching last night's show it finally clicked -- she's may be just as crazy as he is. Not in the same way obviously, but in that, "I'm a crazy obsessive (ex-)girlfriend that's just a little out of touch with reality and have convinced myself that my (ex-)boyfriend is totally different from the person that he actually is."

In the midst, of the CT-Adam fight, Diem, while in tears, delivers the following gem -- "All I wanted to do is see him, because I know if he sees me he won't do anything and he'll calm down."

Oh really? Because as I recall that hasn't worked in the past. Actually, all such previous encounters have resulted with CT getting even more mad and Diem storming off in tears. The more likely scenario is that CT would have run over you like you were a bowling pin. But keep the hope alive.

A few second later Diem says, "It's my fault that Adam is hurt."

You know what? You're kind of right here because you flipped out and went on an inquisition to find out who hooked up with a guy that YOU'RE NOT DATING ANYMORE! And the thing is, based on what we can gather, it's Diem that ended the relationship. There's a whole series of other statements that Diem makes over the next few minutes, all of which demonstrate a detachment from reality including this one -- "I wonder in his head if he really thinks he didn't do it."

Whatever CT's flaws may be, he seems to be very aware of his actions, but you keep telling yourself that he's two different people and sharing your hurt feelings with the world over a guy that YOU ARE NOT DATING.

What's amazing is that during this whole crazy incident, it's CT who makes the most salient point: "I'm not with her, I could f*ck the whole freshmen line if I wanted to. Why is she crying?"

Well said.

The Rest of the Show:

Oh, who are we kidding there was nothing really that interesting in the rest of the thing when compared to the first 20 minutes or so. I actually have a gripe with the producers: the fight was spectacular and you could clearly tell it went on far longer than what was actually shown to the viewing public; we can see that besides tearing apart Adam's face, CT also tore up the house.

Why not just show the whole fight for an hour? You could have called at an "introductory episode" and start the actual challenges on the next show. After watching such an entertaining battle, no one is going to care about a stupid rugby game.

There's plenty more that can be said about the format of the eliminations, the challenges and the trainwreck that is is the aftershow but it can wait for another time. For now, let's just focus on CT -- it's his world, we're just living it.