Episode 3: A match made in retard hell

A lot, a lot to say about this week's episode (have I mentioned that I LOVE this show). Ok, let's get started:

First, has there ever been a more dysfunctional and mismatched partnership than Evan and Paula. They're like Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez: each one has a boatload of their own issues but when you combine the two -- like in Gigli and, umm, marriage -- it's just a train wreck from start to finish.

Evan seems like an overall decent guy but you can also just tell that his whole life revolves around The Challenge. Somehow I picture him spending the rest of the year doing sit-ups in a dark, dank basement with a picture hanging over his head of TJ Lavin with a giant check. And he's already demonstrated that he has no hesitation about selling out his "friends" to win this thing.

Meanwhile, Paula not only doesn't seem to care about winning, but she actually doesn't particularly believe that she can win. On top and that, she has a tendency to not only be easily manipulated by anything with a penis but she's also your typical overly-emotional girl times a thousand.

It's literally impossible to think of two people who should NOT be paired more than these two. Shocker that it took a whole three episodes for this thing to unravel.

At one point Paula says, "I've know Evan for years, he's a shady, shady bastard. But I assume when the time comes he'll have my back." WHY? You just said he's shady, why would you trust him? Paula is either one of those people that truly believes in the goodness of a man's souls or she's just gullible as hell. I think we all know which one it really is.

Meanwhile, Evan at one point describes Paula as "overall crazy." I don't know about Evan, but when I'm looking for people to count on, I usually try to eliminate people with a high level of "overall craziness." They tend to be a bit unpredictable.

In the end, I have to say Evan made the right choice. Paula screwed him over in Episode 2 by picking Dunbar. As a result, Evan was forced to pick either sticking by Paula and her insanity while alienating himself from the actual good players in the house and killing his chance of winning OR cutting Paula loose and actually keeping his chance of winning. It's really not a hard decision.

Side bar: It was awesome that Evan described why Paula was such a good friend by saying, "She showed her boobs to my younger brother." That's clearly a sign of a strong frienship -- a willingness to show your private parts to your family members.

But the dumbest thing about the death of the Evan-Paula alliance is that it ended over ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I've already explained why the list or whatever it is that they try to craft on every show to save themselves from the duel makes no actual sense. You only want to make sure you're not the last one left, other than that it doesn't matter at all where you get picked. So they should just get together, pick the person that they want to screw over and stop spending countless hours figuring out where you are on the list.

It. Does. Not. Matter.

Look at what happened on the show, Brittini was literally the first person picked and she still had to go into the duel. Evan was among the first 10 people to get picked and he still went into the duel too.

Speaking of which, ok I understand Evan had to send a message by not picking Paula. But if you're intentionally going to burn that bridge, wouldn't you at least try to make sure that the person you're trying to screw over is in fact going to get booted off the show? Evan went through all this soul-searching about whether or not to pick Paula, ultimately doesn't pick her and she still gets picked by someone else. Congrats Evan, you've accomplished nothing. This was like breaking up with your girlfriend and then going on a ski trip with her two days later -- she can now both continue to talk shit about you to everyone in sight and prevent you from "hooking up" with anyone else.

Well thought out plan.

Davis proves once and for all that he sucks

Yesterday, I made fun of Davis for blaming an anti-gay conspiracy instead of his shrimp-like stature for his failings on the show. Let me tell you, it feels good to be proven right.

Not only does Davis prove himself to be weaker than the other contestants but he also demonstrates that he is a complete and total idiot.

First on the main challenge, Davis seems to fall of the ropes pretty quickly, barely holds on for a few more moments and then plummets into the water. He then has the nerve to say, "I think it was pretty close." Not it wasn't. MJ could have had a picnic up there while you were hanging on for dear life.

Then the Duel itself. First, Davis is an idiot for picking Evan. I realize that Davis didn't want to pick his friend Nehemiah -- even though Nehemiah did stab him in the back -- so it was inevitable that he was going to go up against someone bigger. Evan, however, is not only a good athlete but he's also one of the more intelligent males on the show (by The Challenge standards).

Davis actually lucks out by getting a puzzle challenge, which gives him a slight chance of winning. Davis, however, goes on to prove what I said yesterday -- that there is no correlation between size and intelligence. He spends the whole first part of the duel putting in the puzzle pieces for the bottom levels, not realizing that he actually needs those steps to be able to climb the wall. What did you think you were going to do?? Float to the top of the wall? Eventually, it dawns on him that he wasted his time and he only figures out that he can take out the pieces after he is told by the other contestants. This was truly a dumb moment even by The Challenge standards.

Congrats Davis for demonstrating that you're not only too small to compete on The Challenge but also not intelligent enough. Talk about not clearing a low bar.

Odds and Ends

* During the initial challenge, a couple of the female contestants commented on Ruthie's athletic prowess by saying, "I feel like she's casting voodoo spell on me" and "Ruthie is like a freakin' monkey, koala bear, ninja girl."

Now, while Ruthie's athleticism was indeed impressive, I think the other women were mostly confused because Ruthie was ACTUALLY TRYING. Kimberly's strategy appeared to be just to stand still and hold on to the ropes. Really!? That's your plan? You have about as much muscle on you as a starving African child and you think you're going to be able to hold on indefinitely?

It kind of annoys me actually that most of the women on the show don't really seem to try at all and attempt to get by on the hope that there's other women on in the house who are even more hated by other contestants. If there's any justice in the world, Ruthie and Rachel will be last two females standing since they're pretty much the only ones capable of doing anything.

Side bar: In all seriousness, has anyone ever had a more impressive recovery from alcoholism than Ruthie? When she was on the Real World, she seemed to be perpetually on the verge of death from alcohol poisoning. Now, she's one of the better female athletes in Challenge history. AA really does work!

* Nehemiah is f*cked. Toward the end of the selection process Nehemiah says that the two people "watching his back" on this show are Brooke and Paula. That's a sign of trouble. There's no two people on this show that are less capable of looking out for you. I would really rather have Judas and Benedict Arnold watching my back than this pair. And Nehemiah essentially saves Paula while sacrificing two of his friends -- Brooke and Davis. I say again, he helped take out two of his allies to save . . . Paula. Yeah, I don't know what he was thinking either.

* No, I haven't forgotten about Brooke. She will truly be missed. This entry is getting a little long so I'm going to stop right here but we'll have a very special Brooke tribute tomorrow. Stay tuned ...

"I'm attracted to everyone!"

In the previous discussion of slutiness, I forgot to mention Brooke. I'm sorry, I don't know how I could have made such a mistake.

The clip below clearly demonstrates that Brooke will have sex with anyone at anytime. I mean Jenn is cute and all but she's neither a lesbian nor does she show the slightest bit of interest, yet Brook seems ready to stick her tongue down her throat. I also thought Brooke was over the whole lesbian thing, but I guess when you're drunk and horny it doesn't matter.*

Actually, how on Earth is it possible that Brooke hasn't gotten laid in a month!? She admits that she will f*ck almost anything that moves and she's on the freakin' Challenge!! She should be able to get laid almost by accident.

*Correction (04/21): One of my two loyal readers helpfully reminded me that Brooke and Jenn did in fact makeout in a hot tub during the season premier of Real World: Denver. But neither one is in fact a lesbian. Whatever, I don't care. The point that I was trying to make still holds valid. Brooke = slutty = awesome.

The Greatest Show Opening Ever!

I said it yesterday, I'm saying it again today: The opening credits of the new Challenge are quite simply the best opening credits in the history of television. It is the standard by which all future unintentional comedy will be measured.

You can watch the "making" the opening credits video below. It's well worth it. If you want to see just the opening credits again -- and why wouldn't you -- just skip ahead to the 3:52 mark.

MTV Shows

There's just so much to love here, starting with the facial expressions of the contestants themselves.

There are a few -- mostly notably Evan -- who appear to be taking this VERY seriously. You can just see that he's using this as some kind of pseudo try-out for the role of "Barbarian Warrior #3" in a future Ridley Scott movie.

Then there are others -- Brooke, Katie, Brittini -- who looks completely hungover and can barely stand up straight. I bet there was a whole lot of vomiting going on during this shoot.

And then there are those who appear as if they're just standing there staring into space -- Brad and Landon -- and only tuned in for that split second that the camera was focused on them before returning to their space staring activities.

The best performance, however, is delivered as always by TJ Lavin. He looks just like Zoolander in trying out his "look" except it actually seems like he's genuinely making an effort. Go watch the actual behind the scenes footage -- the best part is at the 2:40 mark when the producers tells TJ to "just focus" and he proceeds to make a face as if he's trying to lift a large boulder with the power of his mind. There's no amount of money that I wouldn't pay to find out what's going on TJ's head at that moment.

I've watched this video a number of times and I can't decide if the whole thing was done in 1 take and about 15 minutes, with the director declaring, "Screw it. Good enough. Let's go home." Or if it took about 1,200 takes and nine days shoot with the director getting increasingly more pissed off at the constant mistakes. It had to be one of those two scenarios.

Finally, this is what kills me about MTV -- they spent money on a freakin' helicopter to shoot this thing and yet they couldn't coordinate so that everyone in the cast actually wore matching outfits. This whole thing stems from an actual New Zeland tradition -- mostly known to the outside world because its done by a rugby team.

When they do it, it actually looks pretty cool; in no small part because they are in unison, all dressed the same and actually look like a team of warrior, rather than a bunch of people who are doing this with about as much coordination as a pack of drunk monkeys.