Episode 4: Nehemiah is a douche

*Editors Note (04/30): One of my three loyal readers recently told me, "I don't like reading stuff in paragraphs. Just do one-liners." Now, my friend may be a little bit retarted -- I'm not sure how he ever graduated from high school -- but either way I don't want to piss off a near-majority of my readership. Therefore, today we are doing a little "quick hits" edition of last night's Challenge episode. Let's get it started.

• I have a general rule about The Challenge: Anyone who goes on this show and then spends the whole time complaining about how stupid it is or how they're a much better, mature person than everyone else on the show is a giant fucktard. Yeah, I'm talking about you Nehemiah.
  
  

• And if you go on The Challenge, talk the whole time about how its beneath and also act as if you're going through some kind of zen-like experience, then you're an extremely douchey fucktard. Look, if you want to go write poetry and think about your oneness with nature or whatever -- fine. Move to Tibet and knock yourself out. But you can't act all deep and spiritual after you've spent all day riding in a go-cart with a giant bobblehead attached to your head. You just sound like an idiot.
  
  

• Nehemiah kept saying all show how him going into the duel was "fate and destiny." Well, fate and destiny just told you that they hate you. Feel free to go kill yourself.
  
  

• Oh and let's not forget about Tori, who at one point said of the other contestants, "They are afraid to go home because they have nothing better to do with their lives." Maybe this is true but I can't help but point out that Tori is not only making her 3rd appearance on an MTV show but is also engaged to someone who is on his FIFTH Challenge.
  

The Challenge portion:

• TJ Lavin declares that the participants will be doing the challenge with a "life size" bobblehead. What the hell does that mean? What kind of messed up world does TJ Lavin live in where "life size" means people with heads 12 times larger than those of your average human being?
  
  

• Why did the bobbleheads have the name's of the contestants written on the back? Do the contestants not know what their faces look like?
  
  

• The botched tag between Dunbar and Paula during the challenge was just symbolic of their whole "relationship." Paula is standing their ogling Dunbar, while he just blindly barrels into her and knocks her over. And keep in mind, this isn't the Olympic track relay where you have to time the baton hand-off precisely. All they had to do is kind of tag each other in any way at all and they still couldn't do it correctly. There is no hope for these two.
  
  

• Dear MTV producers, can you show us a timer on the puzzles? I would really like to know just how long it takes. It's highly possible that these things take about 4 hours, that there are lunch breaks involved and multiple trips to the bathroom. Honestly, I'd even believe that the puzzle challenge spanned several days. We need to know these things.

Lesbos and more:

• So Jenn injures her left shoulder. When she comes from the doctor she says may have to compete without using the left side of her body. What kind of challenges does she think she's going to have from now where she doesn't need to use half her body? One-handed boxing over and over and over?
  
  

• Jenn and Rachel somehow go from hating each other to, umm, wrestling. Now, I've had more than a few female friends in my life (shocking, I know) but I have NEVER EVER seen two of them wrestle. Is this what women do when guys aren't around? We always thought it was that they had naked pillow fights but maybe it's wrestling. If they don't wrestle, maybe they should. Because as Rachel points out, wrestling brought them closer together, which lead to them making out. Women wrestling = more lesbianism = a better world.
  
  

• What the hell is going on with Jenn? She says she's not a lesbian, yet she makes out with every girl in sight. Now, as male, I like to think that all women have a little bit of lesbianism in them -- especially the hot ones -- but come on Jenn, make up your mind.
  
  

• On the other hand, Rachel must have some kind of superpower that compels other chicks to make out with her. I mean Rachel is relatively attractive but it's getting to be rediculous -- every time a women is within 5 feet of her, they start kissing. Screw flying or invisibility, the answer to what's the best superpower is the ability to compel women to make out with you.
  
  

• I love how at the end of whatever it is that happened between Jenn and Rachel, Jenn declares, "We've rekindled our friendship." I hate to beat a dead horse, but ladies if you could all "rekindle your friendships" -- or just "strengthen" them -- in such manner, it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
  
  

• For someone who seems to (try to) hookup a lot, Paula sure seemed awfully confused by the sex sounds that Jenn and Rachel were making. What the hell kind of sounds is Paula making when she's having sex? Actually, I don't think I want to know that.
  
  

• Finally and totally unrelatedly, there's no one on this show who delivers more laughs on a per-minute basis than Isaac. The guy did all the commentary on this week's episode with a painted on, bright blue Mike Tyson tattoo on his face. We MUST have an explanation for this. Where did he get it? Did he tattoo himself or is someone in the house that's a tattooing expert? Where did he even get the bright blue paint? Is it just sitting around The Challenge house for some inexplicable reason? Or is this just some sticker that he brought with him to the show for reasons that defy understanding?

Episode 2: Being slutty doesn't pay

If there's anything we've learned on this episode of The Challenge it's this -- if you're a skank, you're not going to win.

The Challenge is kind of like an 80s horror movie in that way.

I know what you're saying, "But wait, almost everyone on this show is either a tramp or a manwhore." That's true . . . if you're comparing them to the rest of civilized society. But if you're so skanky that even the other contestants on The Challenge think you're too skanky, well, your fate is pretty much sealed.

Remember this lesson females of all ages: being a skank may get you laid but all women will hate you and the men will stop giving a shit about you the moment after they've hooked up with you. It's a fact.

This is a lesson for not only The Challenge but for life in general.

The two prime examples of skankiness from this season are Shauvon and Paula and and both of them are pretty much finished by the end of this episode.

Let's take them one at a time.

Shauvon's beatdown

Has anyone in history ever been bitch slapped off the show as much as Shauvon was in this episode?

It was clear from the beginning that she was probably going to lose the first duel she participated in, but jeez Aneesa didn't even seem particularly interested in winning the contest as much beating her ass.

In the first elimination battle, the hooks the contestants needed to get fell off seemingly within 10 seconds and were just like on the ground. Yet Aneesa ignored them and continued to pound on Shauvon. And why? Aneesa had no real reason to hate Shauvon, she could have just beaten her and moved on. Instead she dragged her around the ring like she was Ivan Drago beating up on Apollo Creed.

Then when Shauvon loses, she doesn't even get a hug from the other contestants. EVERYONE gets a hug on this show. You could murder a puppy and when you leave the show, some of the other contestants would hug you, cry and tell you how awesome you are. But everyone hated Shauvon with the fire of a thousand burning suns.

And why? Because she banged another dude on the show.

The most ironic part of this whole exchange came right at the end when Paula declared, "Shauvon, don't bang other people's ex-boyfriends then you won't piss other people off." (I'll explain why this is ironic in a minute).

Side bar #1: On Shauvon -- Admittedly MJ isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, but when another contestant knows you only as the "boob girl" you know you're not here for the long-haul.

Side bar #2: This duel made me miss CT. Can you imagine if he had to do that challenge -- there's a decent chance he would have used the hooks to stab his opponent through the heart. Now we'll never know. Sigh.

Side bar #3: In the post about last week's episode, I said no one has ever had less interest in breaking up a fight than Isaac during the CT-Adam debacle. I'd like to correct that because TJ Lavin set a new standard this week for most half-assed attempt to end a fight. During the elimination fight at the start of the show, as Aneesa is wailing on Shauvon, TJ half-heartedly declares, "No punching." Then he kind of sticks his arm between the two contestants for about 0.1 seconds before quickly pulling out and retreating as the pair continued pounding on each other. Look MTV, everyone involved wants to see the contestants fight, just let them fight. You don't need to pretend like you're trying to break them up for our sake, you really don't.

Paula chooses ass over winning

The reason that Paula statement about hooking up with other people's boyfriends is ironic is not so because she's banged anyone else's ex-boyfriend -- so far. But because her top priority on this show is clearly just getting laid, rather than, oh I don't know, winning. Paula never seemed like the strongest contestant and she's probably not getting to the end regardless. But it seems in this episode she picked the opportunity of potentially hooking up with Dunbar over the possibility of winning $100,000. Hope he's worth it.

I will say this -- whatever scheme it was that Paula and Evan tried to craft didn't make much sense. No matter what the picking order is someone would have ended up last -- I'm not sure they realized this. It seems they spent hours trying to craft a plan that would save EVERYBODY.

How about this? Just figure out the person that you want to send in and then make sure no one picks him/her. Wouldn't that be much easier?

But regardless of the stupidity of the overall plan, Paula still sabotaged the thing (can you sabotage something that's already broken?) because she had a crush on Dunbar. Paula weighs about 60 pounds so she's not going to fare well in many duels and she now has almost no friends to watch her back. I'll be shocked if she's still on the show three episodes from now.

Ryan whining, Robin's losing

* The only person on this week's show that was a bigger moron than Paula is Ryan. He spent the whole second half whining about where he's going to get picked, then getting pissed off than Paula 'screwed' him and then complaining about MJ picking him. Someone should have just told him, "Look dude, you're the smallest guy here. You're going into the elimination regardless of who picks who and when. So just shut up."

Is there any scenario in which Ryan isn't in the elimination? This show is basically him and a bunch of dudes who closely resemble NFL linebackers -- of course he's getting picked! A big guy -- like MJ -- is going to pick you because they know they can crush you and a smaller guy is going to pick you because you're the only person they have a chance of beating. Actually any other contestant would be retarded if they didn't pick you.

Stop whining about it and accept your fate. You didn't get screwed by the other people in the house, you got screwed by genetics and your apparent unwillingness to inject certain things into your body. Sorry.

* We learn on this episode that Robin has been on The Challenge SEVEN times and has never won. She's like the Buffalo Bills of The Challenge. Or maybe more like the Detroit Lions cause she never actually gets all that close to winning.

* Ryan and Robin will probably be back on The Challenge at some point, but they need to realized that they just have no chance of winning this thing. Robin is clearly past her prime -- if she ever had one -- and everyone that's on this thing now, just plain hates her. And Ryan weighs about half as much as the rest of the male contestants. It's just not possible for him to ever with this thing. Time to move on.

The Greatest Show Opening Ever!

I said it yesterday, I'm saying it again today: The opening credits of the new Challenge are quite simply the best opening credits in the history of television. It is the standard by which all future unintentional comedy will be measured.

You can watch the "making" the opening credits video below. It's well worth it. If you want to see just the opening credits again -- and why wouldn't you -- just skip ahead to the 3:52 mark.

MTV Shows

There's just so much to love here, starting with the facial expressions of the contestants themselves.

There are a few -- mostly notably Evan -- who appear to be taking this VERY seriously. You can just see that he's using this as some kind of pseudo try-out for the role of "Barbarian Warrior #3" in a future Ridley Scott movie.

Then there are others -- Brooke, Katie, Brittini -- who looks completely hungover and can barely stand up straight. I bet there was a whole lot of vomiting going on during this shoot.

And then there are those who appear as if they're just standing there staring into space -- Brad and Landon -- and only tuned in for that split second that the camera was focused on them before returning to their space staring activities.

The best performance, however, is delivered as always by TJ Lavin. He looks just like Zoolander in trying out his "look" except it actually seems like he's genuinely making an effort. Go watch the actual behind the scenes footage -- the best part is at the 2:40 mark when the producers tells TJ to "just focus" and he proceeds to make a face as if he's trying to lift a large boulder with the power of his mind. There's no amount of money that I wouldn't pay to find out what's going on TJ's head at that moment.

I've watched this video a number of times and I can't decide if the whole thing was done in 1 take and about 15 minutes, with the director declaring, "Screw it. Good enough. Let's go home." Or if it took about 1,200 takes and nine days shoot with the director getting increasingly more pissed off at the constant mistakes. It had to be one of those two scenarios.

Finally, this is what kills me about MTV -- they spent money on a freakin' helicopter to shoot this thing and yet they couldn't coordinate so that everyone in the cast actually wore matching outfits. This whole thing stems from an actual New Zeland tradition -- mostly known to the outside world because its done by a rugby team.

When they do it, it actually looks pretty cool; in no small part because they are in unison, all dressed the same and actually look like a team of warrior, rather than a bunch of people who are doing this with about as much coordination as a pack of drunk monkeys.

Episode 1: CT's Rampage

I've loved this show for a long time but this is really the episode that inspired this blog because quite simply the first episode of "The Duel II" was one of the greatest things that we have ever seen on television.

There were so many things that were amazing about it that to cover them all in detail would require a lengthy news magazine-style analysis. I'm just going to hit on the high points.

Opening montage/show credits:

* I knew this show was going to be awesome during the first 30 seconds when they showed that ridiculous opening montage. The sounds that went with it were roughly in the style of the kind of montage they do for World War II movies. Except the sounds of gunfire and people dying were replaced with loud drunken yelling and pensive stares. When CT's bloody face came on the screen, well, you could just tell we were in for something special.

* As for the show's opening credits, I'll have a full analysis tomorrow but for now let's just say that the opening of the Duel II is the greatest show opening in the history of television. Nothing else comes close.

The Contestants:

There will be plenty of time to explore the psyche of each contestant but for now we just have to wonder -- are the dudes on this show basically spending their whole year training for this thing? Evan is right when he says in the beginning that it looks like every guy has added 40 pounds of muscle. There are, of course, other explanations for their significant gain in muscle mass (not to mention wild mood swings) but I'll steer clear of the obvious joke that everybody has already made.

The Fight:

This was the obviously high-point of the show and there's just so much to say. I've watched this thing over and over like its the new Zapruder film; every time I find something new and awesome about it.

* First, who could have guessed that it would take CT all of about three hours to become totally unhinged? We learn later on that the guy was apparently going through some tough personal times, but really was anyone's reaction to the fight anything other than, "I KNEW this was coming." CT gets into a fight pretty much every time he's on the show. That's why it was so ridiculous that the great TJ Lavin later declared, "We here at The Challenge don't condone fighting."

Oh really? Is that why you (a) brought CT on in the first place (b) had two replacement contestants ready to go when an inevitable fight broke out. Cut the crap, TJ.

I can't blame MTV for continuing to bring CT on the show, he is by far the most entertaining person on this thing and just makes every episode better. I'm even a little sad that he won't be around for the rest of the season.

So how about this: From now on bring him on, but have a production member that's equipped with a powerful tranquilizer gun and give him instructions to put down CT every time it looks like he's about to take a swing at somebody. This way we'll still have the benefit of being entertained by CT's overall insanity and the producers won't have to kick him off when he inevitably explodes. Problem solved.

* Next. While its obvious that CT has some emotional issues to work through, the guy that is really the "villain" in this whole thing is Adam. He's like The Challenge's version of the NBA's Nate Robinson -- the little guy who has a huge chip on his shoulder, so he tries to compensate by picking fights with everyone. And just like Robinson, people still continue to embrace him. I just don't get it.

Thanks to MTV's excellent work on the aftershow with a play-by-play analysis that's reminiscent of an ESPN post-game show, we clearly see that Adam is the instigator here (watch the uncut footage below). It's obvious that CT was willing to rip Adam's head off at the drop of a dime, but we also see that initially he's just posing and has little interest in fighting. Adam, however, proceeds to take small jabs at CT and talk trash. He even takes the first swing, after which CT finally swings back.

First of all, even someone like Adam should know that he has no business taking on CT. I'm fairly certain that CT could win a fight against a grizzly bear; Adam doesn't stand a chance. But of course he's willing to stand toe-to-toe with him, knowing that as soon as anything happens it will be immediately broken up.

Then, while it takes a whole team to restrain CT, Adam's is dragged outside by one dude who doesn't even seem to be trying that hard. And as soon as Adam is outside he tries to act like he wants to get back in there even as his one-piece pajamas are wrapped around his ankles -- no one has ever looked less intimidating in a fight. Of course, as soon as CT gets outside, Adam starts running as if he's being chased by a bull down the streets of Pamplona.

Adam's action during this fight is just the clearest demonstration of the attitude that one sees in a college bar every night of the week -- "I'm going to act tough and pick fights with everyone in sight, but only because I know that I'll never actually have to fight anybody cause people will break it up."

* One final thing. Watch the fight again and keep your eye on Isaac. No one has EVER been less interested in breaking up a fight. He's in every shot but he just kind of stands there without doing or saying anything. There's two possibilities: He was smart enough to realize that it's insane to try to stand between CT and his target OR he's so out of it that he has no idea where he is or what's going on.

Diem's "crazy girlfriend" reaction

Diem always seemed to be one of the more stable people on this show. And we have to give her major props for not only overcoming cancer but also reportedly doing something worthwhile with her life outside of The Challenge. It's for that reason that CT's and Diem's relationship never quite made sense.

But after watching last night's show it finally clicked -- she's may be just as crazy as he is. Not in the same way obviously, but in that, "I'm a crazy obsessive (ex-)girlfriend that's just a little out of touch with reality and have convinced myself that my (ex-)boyfriend is totally different from the person that he actually is."

In the midst, of the CT-Adam fight, Diem, while in tears, delivers the following gem -- "All I wanted to do is see him, because I know if he sees me he won't do anything and he'll calm down."

Oh really? Because as I recall that hasn't worked in the past. Actually, all such previous encounters have resulted with CT getting even more mad and Diem storming off in tears. The more likely scenario is that CT would have run over you like you were a bowling pin. But keep the hope alive.

A few second later Diem says, "It's my fault that Adam is hurt."

You know what? You're kind of right here because you flipped out and went on an inquisition to find out who hooked up with a guy that YOU'RE NOT DATING ANYMORE! And the thing is, based on what we can gather, it's Diem that ended the relationship. There's a whole series of other statements that Diem makes over the next few minutes, all of which demonstrate a detachment from reality including this one -- "I wonder in his head if he really thinks he didn't do it."

Whatever CT's flaws may be, he seems to be very aware of his actions, but you keep telling yourself that he's two different people and sharing your hurt feelings with the world over a guy that YOU ARE NOT DATING.

What's amazing is that during this whole crazy incident, it's CT who makes the most salient point: "I'm not with her, I could f*ck the whole freshmen line if I wanted to. Why is she crying?"

Well said.

The Rest of the Show:

Oh, who are we kidding there was nothing really that interesting in the rest of the thing when compared to the first 20 minutes or so. I actually have a gripe with the producers: the fight was spectacular and you could clearly tell it went on far longer than what was actually shown to the viewing public; we can see that besides tearing apart Adam's face, CT also tore up the house.

Why not just show the whole fight for an hour? You could have called at an "introductory episode" and start the actual challenges on the next show. After watching such an entertaining battle, no one is going to care about a stupid rugby game.

There's plenty more that can be said about the format of the eliminations, the challenges and the trainwreck that is is the aftershow but it can wait for another time. For now, let's just focus on CT -- it's his world, we're just living it.